We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
You need to come get me. I'm pretty sure that gravity's going to crush my brain
every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"
I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day
How about a mike?
Already had two of those
She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.
Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Is cat milk safe for human consumption?
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
So I have to masturbate in a hospital. I wonder what kind of porn they have.
EW HE LOOKS LIKE SOMEONE'S DAD
We just fucked each other sober. #goteam
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