I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.
cracked out the beer snorkel again. that thing has a five for five record of getting me naked.
Just talked to Kate. She said I called her on Friday night. She said I was crying for 5 minutes because we were parked in front of a fire hydrant.
We were so hungover we fell asleep in Goodyear waiting for them to fix her car. At 4 in the afternoon on a Sunday. The workers apparently didnt want to vacuum because they didn't want to wake us.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
So baked. About to eat a calzone then hate fuck this guy.
THAT'S MY GIRL
I think I need to see a chiropractor after giving that blow job
I'm just gonna put on a documentary and throw up
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
I quit doing blow for him. If that doesn’t say “I’m in love with you and want to marry you” idk what does
Just woke up next to a hungry lesbian and a half eaten croissant on my stomach. Can you come get me?
Well I just masturbated while reading a recipe for Alfredo sauce so I guess you could say I’m growing up
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