i wish you could fill a pinata with booze
she was so wasted that she tried to tuck me in and read the jokes on the taco bell sauce as a bed time story
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case
Found an old burrito under my bed
You are a sick fuck
Saw a girl outside my apartment shotgun a bud light, then a red bull, get in her Tahoe, and drive 4 people away. Gotta love thirsty Thursday.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
All I want for my birthday to be fingered and eat pizza
Um so I might have accidentally on accident maybe blew up the bottom half of your truck...
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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