I hate to say it, but I think my pandora being Marvin Gaye love songs was the prime reason for the bj last night
Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.
Peter invited his little brother to smoke with us and he is trying so hard to pretend he's done it before. When he saw the weed he was like "hell yeah!" and everyone got completely silent and just looked at him
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
Fran... I put my tongue in somebody's gage hole last night.
I think my vagina has grown over, not unlike earring holes when not used in a long amount of time.
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
It's official. Those are now your come fuck me flipflops
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
We kinda got asked to leave the strip club and on the way out, you fell again. When you finally got up we got a standing ovation from the girls behind the bar and you took a bow. It was awesome.
The cat is stealing cigarettes and my vagina cures blindness. How's your night?
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
I let a 30 year old guitar player that works at a call center go down on me in his backseat last night
Randomize