You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I woke up and we were making out. So the good news is that after two years off the market, I haven't lost a step. I'm picking up girls in my sleep now.
i woke up to the sound of my roommate climbing onto my desk mumbling that she was going to bed
Day 1 of the Fuck Your Ex weekend has been productive. Already boned Steph and we're both still glad we arnt together anymore.
I got pushed into some bald man in the pit and spent the next few minutes with my face against his head. Man I love ecstasy.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
Walking out of the bathroom and not knowing you have hand soap on the front of your pants so it looks like you blew a load on yourself really sets the tone for the rest of the week...
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I had to get my boss birth control a work today. I knew going to ASU would come in handy in my career someday.
How about this: I support you through your miserable marriage, and you support me through all my anonymous sex?
I'm 4,715,723% sure I don't give a fuck.
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
HIDE THE INFLATABLE PENIS
Randomize
