I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.
She's trying to feed the TV fried rice and screaming "FRIED RICE AND TEARS". Please bring me more booze.
hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
The worst part about living in a small town is partying with your pharmacist and then having to buy Plan B from him the next morning.
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
It took me longer to finish the bottle of scotch we bought together on New Years than it did for her to meet a new guy and get engaged
Wait are we really having an orgy on Tuesday?
Noted. Next time you want to get fried chicken and cocaine.
Ok. That just sounds baller.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
This is why we can never be just regular friends. The shit we do is not regular
Randomize
