I just tried to drunkenly fart the beat of Disturbia by Rihanna
Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
Dude I'm so glad we're not friends anymore. It would have made fucking your stepmom last night really awkward. Dickwad.
he told my vagina that he was looking forward to meet it
I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.
Her bed is on wheels, so we woke up in the kitchen.
I don't know ur idea of a good first date but I'm pretty sure it shouldn't include him holding my hair while I puke in the street
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
When we were done he got down next to the bed and I thought he was Tebowing. He was hitting a bong that he had already loaded and hidden under the bed.
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
I smell like bonfire and ex-boyfriends
I apparently pulled his dick out at the bar and started yelling "DICK PICS IN REAL LIFE!"
I think I kinda scared him when I tried to wrap his snake around his dick while he was trying to nap.
Thanks for fucking the skin off my dick
It was a joint effort between my vagina my feet and your hand you can't just blame that all on me
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