I start off june hungover/still drunk stumbling down my driveway with the trashcan at 6am..it's gonna be an interesting month
An ad on my facebook says "don't be THAT girl". Its like it knows.
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
he texted me at 3am asking for "one of my famous blowjobs"
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
You're lucky you got out when you did, about an hour later the girl in the Franzia box started wrestling everyone.
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
You tried to ride his dick and fell off. Then tried to ride the floor. That's why he hasn't called back
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
i'm at work, alone, drinking a spiced chai & fireball hot toddy. holiday OT isn't that bad after all.
I got snowed in at my parent's. everyone's asleep so I'm smoking a joint in my old room and watching Tarzan on a 12" tv.
They must be so glad to have you home...
Randomize
