I'm proud of us, I'm cleaning up the place and I haven't found a single beer can that isn't empty.
the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did
Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?
are you seriously doing this over text message
hahaha no, but i am dumping you.
you should give me head with plastic fangs in
Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow
you started introducing us as kentucky and gentlemen
I'm pretty sure the guy she brought home is a polish porn star..
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He used the expression "my couch is your couch" as a come on line.
If you're wearing dry underwear your day is already better than mine.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
My whole sorority girl exterior is just a lie. I'm a fat tumblr girl on the inside.
I just left and he walked me out and went call me if you're ever... Eh... Whatever. And walked away.
Who the fuck just called me and played funkytown
Well now you know... If you can get over the awkward... The dick is 10 min away.
Randomize