And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
The dentist just called my mother to confirm the appointment that I made on his answering machine at 4:33 am this morning..
3 inches of snow, below zero windchill and i just saw a dude in a wrangler with no doors, shorts a beanie and burton snow goggles. God i love college in colorado
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
You're telling me you've never sent a picture of your cock to a girl and then were all like "Oops, sorry, wrong person! By the way...You like?"
I love it. Like, more than my penis at the moment.
Yo I found your batman costume.... It was in my pool with a shitload of beer cans
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
I need you to be best friend brutally honest about whether or not I can go into public like this.
New vibrator arrived today.
How was it?
Who are these wee mortals we call men?
Is it okay to mention my ambition to become a supervillian and kill all humans on a first date, or is that a second date discussion?
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
He may have been a dick but he DID give me his Netflix log in. Maybe some good did come of it.
Randomize
