Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
I discovered last night there is no graceful way to remove your face from your gf's crotch when your parents walk in the room
just found a beer in my hamper. even my laundry is a dirty alcoholic.
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
using the campers leftover pizza money at the bar. Definition of great counselors right here.
This morning I got out of bed 4 HOURS LATE, made eggs with a plastic beach shovel, and then ate them using pens like chopsticks in my bed with my turtle. Obviously, I am not in the mood to be proactive with my life today...
he used the hotel microwave to cook the 16" pizza he bought at the walmart deli
He used a "food city great value" card to cut it
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
She could makes a perfectt roast dinner drunk but she nearly sets the kitchen alight microwaving popcorn.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
She grabbed a $20 bill out of my hand, calling it a lap dance coupon and then she dragged me into her bedroom. I think I’m in love
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