i gained so much weight this year, i put on my string bikini underwear and couldnt see the string anymore! i hate my life.
Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
Nobody in the ambulance liked me...
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
Sarah's knitting me a hat as an apology for unknowingly making out with my boyfriend
I love it when he cheats on me with nice people
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
There's a baby in the strip club. I say again: THERE'S A BABY IN THE STRIP CLUB
He also deemed that the fact that I couldn't log into Netflix was not an emergency. He's wrong.
Have I told you i love you?
there's no need we are two peas in a naughty pod of fuckery
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