So that's a yes to the cocaine usage and a no to the rollerblading
watching E! true Hollywood story: curse of the lottery.. i'd probably spend all my money on blow and airplanes too..
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark
I shouldn't have to say "get your balls off my counter" on a Wednesday.
I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving
He didn't think we needed a taxi
Coming to you live from the floor of my office..
i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).
Help me. My dealer just asked me to have a child with him. Sat me down for a heart to heart "he's almost 40 and losing his shit cause he's single and wants babies" talk. How the fuck am I supposed to feel about this????
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I just woke up and there was a condom wrapper stuck in my hair. This is my life.
Didn't you sleepover at your grandparents?
I found a used condom in my purse this morning. It was in there with a bunch of smushed french fries.
We played wedding bingo. I made out with the maid of honor and fucked one of the bride’s sorority sisters. But I needed to get with the groom’s cousin, a mother-in-law to be, or the wedding planner to win and I came up short.
Randomize
