There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided
I just remembered I opened the taxi door when I was at a red light last night and puked. And then when I was done I closed the door and told him he may proceed with caution.
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
bro, sorry for: trying to put you on fire yesterday, telling the bouncer that it was you that broke the bottles, and to have slept with your sister.
Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"
Drunk you is pretty stunner.
How am I?!! The turkey is dry as shit, I'm watching football in low def and there's no beer b/c everyone is in aa. Fuck giving thanks.
I ate cinnamon toast crunch. I'm officially out of the puke zone. Blackout drunk Friday. WHAT IS GOOD.
I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....
The only people in the library at 5:00 on the friday after finals are homeless or pre-med.
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
Long story short I ended up getting choked out by a really hot guy in the girls bathroom at a bar last night
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
OMG OMG OMG!!!! I made his penis bleed!! I repeat I MADE HIS PENIS BLEED!!!!
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