my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
She fuckin peed on me
Stay golden ponyboy
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
Let me be the 15% helpful, 85% useless as shit angel on your shoulder.
Think I just subconsciously wanted a cigarette and started sleep walking to Carl's.. Didn't realize what I was doing until I found myself in an elevator.
Don't tell me 'the Fonzie' doesn't work. Went to see Shakespeare high and gave the sign to the dude playing Macbeth. Now at a cast party getting blown. All hail the Fonz.
He's against "violent sex" cause apparently my body is "sacred". Like dude I'm about to tell you about blowing your brother just so you'll fuck me like an animal Jesus Christ....
I would say I miss her friendship, then I remember that she gave 4 guys the clap. I'm good.
Does it still count as a valentine if it's drunk phone sex at 3 in the morning
When I woke up next to him on the living room floor, my glasses were broken and it felt like someone rubbed a cactus all over my vag
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
i love you and all, but can that be the last orgy with your wife?
My psychiatrist just sent me a dick pic
Randomize
