I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.
He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
she wouldn't play beer pong with me unless I took off the rollerskates.
The highlight of my night was definitely explaining the bandaid on my nipple.
I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.
My plan to masturbate 34 times on my 34th birthday backfired. Do you still have those crutches?
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
I don't want his dick, I want his flame thrower!!
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
My life just got so pathetic that I volunteered to work a double on my day off because its saturday and I have nothing else planned
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
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