I woke up with my face in a pile of pancakes and 3000 mistakes.
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
He told me about his girlfriends trust issues during our post sex spooning
I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.
I should have to wear a sign around the rest of the day so everyone knows the shame I feel.
It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.
Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
It's truly amazing how much porn I can get in while my phones at 1% battery life.
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
My thoughts mid terrible hookup: do people normally read a magazine right about now?
You know that tattoo place next to Dallas? The naked sexy frog on my neck is proof that their "won't tattoo if drunk" sign is bullshit!
Randomize
