I just am on my way home.. i had 3 and one startd crying and puking.. so they went home. one bitch fuckin ruined it for evryone.. u playin cards?
It's like sexual therapy. We hooked up. And now were talking about our recent breakups.
Emoooo
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis
i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
What can I say, I bounce back quick. Never thought the line "my turtle died" would get me so many free drinks last night
Just made macaroni burritos. Fukkin awesome. We'll have to try this when I'm sober.,!
I'm pretty sure I'm the first person in the history of this college to rollerblade their walk of shame.
His cat must have been laying on his dick, because now my face is covered in hives
The sweaty, naked apartment dance party wasn't complete until I threw the whole jar of glitter on us. It was like the icing.
I'm really sorry I hooked up with your student on the dance floor..
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I just had all of the sex. All of it.
Do you know why I slept in the yard last night?
You said you watched the lion king stoned and had to do it for simba.
Pride rock will get you every time.
Randomize
