You're the only chick there. That's not an orgy, that's called a gang bang...
Killed two birds with one stone: found my wallet and unclogged the toilet.
I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore
The wedding was scheduled to start 5 min. ago. 20 people here so far, groomsmen in tees and jeans, catering by Costo. NO ONE OUR AGE IS READY FOR MARRIAGE!
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
12 garbage cans filled with water, a beer can floating in every garbage can, 20 ft. apart and you shoot with dodge balls..and thats only how the night began
Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"
Just found a bag of weed nailed to the door that my dealer dropped off since I wasn't home. God I love Boulder.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
It's a low moment when you're looking at your girlfriends tits on your daughter's phone..
He was so aggressive it felt like he was giving my boob a root cannal
I slept naked last night on stolen pillows. I felt like a golden goddess.
I just shook glitter of my birth control packet so I’d say it’s safe to say it was a good weekend
and then the sword just ended up between my legs
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