I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.
I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid
I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.
As I climbed in the bathroom window from the room I noticed both him rommates staring and talking about me in the hall...
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
Ummmm you know you're drinking vodka out of a Skittles bag, right?
He is like a dragon that makes me want to spread my butt cheeks, so he can fill me with hot fire.
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
I wish you could just Google "people I've had sex with" and they would all just come up
Why did I wake up naked with a leg cramp and and extra $550 in my wallet?
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Randomize
