make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
All four of us managed to throw up in the same bathroom at different times during the night. I think we'll get along great living together.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
I definitely think in addition to buying paint ball guns this summer we should invest in a breathalyzer. That way every drunk night turns into a competition, who can blow over the legal limit more. The loser gets shot while hungover. Shit goes hand in hand if you ask me.
I just realized why I have little cuts all over my fingers. There was a broken pint glass in my purse last night.
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
I have a hook up buddy in Abiquiu. He lives next to a Chipotle; that's the only reason I see him.
I know EXACTLY where things went wrong with her...I didn't use Cheetos as a wooing tool.
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