im going to pretend im pregnant so i can eat a lot then i will accidentally fall down the stairs
Omg. If Ina Garten Makes roast chicken one more time im going to strangle her with her white button down
all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...
Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."
Idk if I woke up next to a cat or raccoon. either way it's purring.
see these eyes, they just want to bone and go to sleep.
he tried to give me his business card but gave me his health insurance card then realized it and offered to take me to the strip club
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I mean there are things broken right and left, I woke up surrounded by dog statues, and we had a vodka bubble bath.
The 4th is next week. If we don't get to a new level of high, we will be letting down George Washington.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I washed my sheets. I did out of respect for my previous and current sexual partners.
Randomize
