I feel like people whose favorite movie is Donnie Darko should not be allowed to talk. Ever.
The best revenge is premature balding
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
My face feels like its stuck between a ball sack and an asshole.
Just for future reference, me asking if you're free, followed by a winking face is not my way of suggesting a tandem bike ride.
Would it be considered cannibalistic if I wanted to eat off his bacon tattoo?
He laid on the ground 100 ft from the car crying about how he just wanted to be home already
So the TSA can feel me inside and out in front of 40 people, but they catch me fucking in the bathroom 20 feet away and all of a sudden their the decency police
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
Just went to jump into bed... Completely missed the bed.
Randomize
