I just want you to know I tipped the cab driver $10 last night because I felt bad that he didn't have healthcare.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot
He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
I was like a damn cattle dog, I separated all the sheep, I can wing man for anyone on this campus.
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You throw up behind 1 mannequin and it's world war 3 in forever 21
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
I asked him to sing a song so he couldn't hear me throwing up as he was holding my hair
I swear to god if I have to repeat this to you one more mother fucking time I will flip fucking shit and acidic rain will pour down upon your mother fucking soul
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
You should come over tomorrow. Wine, pizza and my vagina. Those are all great things.
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