when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father
i think girls just don't want to fuck you
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.
I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.
I slept with him that night and I'm not sure if my lack of enthusiasm was obvious but I found him eating ice cream in the bathtub the next morning. Mom will be so proud.
Celebrating anything "Eve" is never a good choice! I feel like my soul's been put in a blender on the "destroy" setting- in other news: Happy 4th of July
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
even my drug dealer wished me a happy birthday before my mother did.
premonition: im going to wake up covered in mashed potatoes
After this weekend, all I can think about is bald eagles flying in front of fireworks and giving birth to fucking uncle sam. Also, beer.
Randomize
