John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
My Internet history has 23 searches for 24 hour cake. Self respect plummeting.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
Hey my dad gave me life the least I can do is take him chicken strips and a pack of marlboros.
we're like the harlem globetrotters of underage drinking
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
Well that's disappointing. I guess I'll give a lesson on dick-breaking another time then
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I just met his mom for the first time with a hang over. Then we went to watch his 8 year old cousin get baptized. Apparently his family loves me. I should drink more often.
Randomize
