im learning from these one night stands last time i came in her this time i came on her AND deleted every contact in her phone!
I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.
Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.
OMG HE JUST PUKED WITH THE DOOR OPEN WHILE DRIVING ON THE ROAD AND OMG WE NEED TO CHAT BUT NOT ATM CAUSE THERES PUKE ON MY PHONE
Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.
He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.
Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought
I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.
I would of joined had I not blacked out last night and ran around naked breaking things till 4 am
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
If you get laid dressed as my dad that makes me extremely uncomfortable
Humming the Indiana Jones theme song as my hand makes its way to his dick.
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Oh, the accent alone guaranteed a bj. It was when he started drunkenly singing in PERFECT PITCH that I knew I was fucking him.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
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