I'm pretty sure she sent a group text out saying that I was the one to get with her last night and sorry to everyone who didnt make it.
Honestly it was an honor just to be nominated.
My Mom bought me a vibrating toothbrush. Maybe this is her way of apologizing for throwing away my other thing that vibrated.
My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.
A 14 year old with a teardrop tattoo just tried to sell me weed. I'm in the wrong fucking neighborhood.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
no, i remember trying to staple my nipples together. I just can't figure out where the hell stapler came from.
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
My chest smells like french fries. Get at me attractive men.
I really don't know where my pants are, but that's not the problem. When are you going to unlock the door?
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
He found out about your side hoe and still helped you try to find a lizard that got in the house
All because of that GODDAMNED MIKE PENCE.
I don't know why, but whenever I shave my balls I feel more aerodynamic.
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Is there a way to use porn to inspire him to have dirty thoughts? Like the movie Inception except with more lube and orgams?
Randomize
