Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy
We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
it was either a cry for help or you were gargling vodka. we didnt care either way.
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Made a pan flute out of the varyingly empty beer bottles on the table. Played a glorious tune that paid tribute to the winds.
I found some video of you on my camera that's like 5 seconds long, where you announce that you should have been a dentist before taking a bong hit.
I woke up in someone's flat in Budapest and then got offered a free piercing before I left. Best. Hookup. Ever.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
2017 is gonna be explosive... Already watching fireworks out the window while shit my brains out. Happy Ew Year
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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