Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
How could you not be happy? Its like "and then I found 5 dollars" but "and then I found a handle of vodka"
My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.
I got kicked out because I puked again I'm on the fire truck outside
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
it's not like i was drunk to the point of NEEDING help...i just wanted someone to offer to hold my hair or something.
well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer
I'm counting my small victories this morning. For instance, I haven't puked at work yet.
Finally liberated my Star Trek DVD from my booty call's house. Captain Kirk would be so proud.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
Never go to your parents' super bowl party. I learned, in great detail, "Why Aunt Trisha is a hoe" Not enough beer on the eastern seaboard.
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
You'll probably laugh but I am currently in bed in the fetal position wrapped in only my ninja turtles towel. Save me.
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