he just kept saying that he had liquor dick..then he tried to fuck me without removing his pants.
You tried to convince her that if she gave you head she'd hear the ocean.....
i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.
I should have taken pre-gaming this lunch date more seriously.
Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?
I'm not a horrible person, I just see what everyone chooses to politely ignore.. And occasionally say it aloud whilst deeply intoxicated.
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
He went down on me while i ate a whole 7/11 pizza. New level unlocked
I think I’ve been affected by his dad mustache. I wanna ride it.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Being forward is somethimes a problems. Like in sexual deity Kong.
I think you’re losing coherence.
I am
if wiping your ass w an envelope isnt the definition of hitting "financial rock bottom " then nothing is!
My sister gave me satin sheets. We can fuck on satin sheets.
I guess I’m only into threesomes at Halloween, because I just woke up next to “Marilyn Monroe” and “Joe DiMaggio” in their condo
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