OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
i just walked outside for a cigarette and three men walked by in glitter heels and gold shiny thongs. god i love chicago
just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
You may have graduated college on time, but my 6th year ass gets to see awesome tits every day just for showing up.
I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking you had a pulse
I got fucked in a bat mobile this morning. Being slutty rules.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
I don't wanna SLEEP with him, I want to start bar fights with him. There's a difference.
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