A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.
Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick
Don't use or open the microwave. It's full of smoke. Buying a new one tomorrow, will explain.
im so hung over everytime my dog barks the sound vibration makes my whole body hurt
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
You called me at 3 am laughing like an idiot. Apparently you consider breaking out of the hospital to be a lifetime achievement.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I started singing I believe I can fly in the shower and it was like the first stage of insanity
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
You went to pound town last night and chow town this morning. Boy you need a passport.
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
I guess I called her at 2am, demanding that she bring us food. She told us to order pizza, and I yelled "DON'T MENTION PIZZA!" I recall nothing.
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