my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Strippers tramp stamp says "mom"
He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.
apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms
Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.
You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.
Well someones bitter they didn't get any.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
They took my balls.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
