seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
At the miami airport. Don't know if it's all the tequila I drank in cozumel or the 5 year olds french accent but I might puke.
dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...
Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.
that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.
This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here
Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.
At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.
Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.
I go down on you because abs
I'm trying. I feel like we're trying to have sex with fruitcake. dry and boring.
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I just thought about how many drinks I had last night and threw up.
It tasted better than Jesus's hair.
I have a mailbox and I don't know why.
Randomize