We pay for beer, you give birth. It's how the world works.
You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.
Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You know you've got awesome issues when the main deciding factor of whether or not to cut your nails depends on nacho consumption in the near future
These girls just walked into this party as reverse cowgirls... Wearing cowboy clothes all backwards
Cleaning my room at 2am, in just one corner I found six beers, half a pint of whiskey, my flask, 2 shotgun bullets, my crown and shimmer lotion.
Random pof guy just messaged me initiating a Pokemon battle. Want to be a bridesmaid?
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
It will pretty much be equal to the feeling I had when you let me hold your dick while you were peeing, or when I graduated high school!
Seriously if we go to rome ur fucking me into the sunset on a wrought iron balcony overlooking Vatican City
College is really paying off. I am gonna be a great teacher. I just made a grading sheet for weed. This shit got an A.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
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