I wish my penis had an off switch
i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.
Omg. Just talked to a semi driver from nebraska. Got her truck stuck. Gave her and her riding buddy a glass of vodka and a cig. YES.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
The one from last night got me a whole floor of Eskimo Brothers. There was a celebration of high fiving as I left
How would one go about tricking someone into chugging an entire bottle of tequila?
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...
I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
PICK ME UP NOW I THINK THIS MOTEL IS A CRIME SCENE. also congrats on your engagement i saw the post on my phone while i was climbing out the window
Are you done yet? I've eaten three corndogs so I'm ready 2 party.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
Randomize
