I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
I found a picture of my kindergarten class. Now you can see whose peer pressure I succumbed to.
The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.
i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad
Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.
I think "I actually like giving blow jobs better" qualifies her as a keeper
Spilled red wine all over my bed. This has to be the fiftieth time ive refused to fall asleep without a drink in my hand
We are going to get clementines. And shoot them out of a ballon launcher. That's after we come up to the ivy with a bullhorn and reck havoc. Where are you.
His penis has been a bonding mechanism beyond comparison.
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Strip clubs it is bday boy. One condition. I am in full custody of your ID. I plan on being in no condition to coordinate rescue operations and we need to keep casualties to a minimum. You cannot be trusted.
Alright goddamnit. Can I bring my pirate hat?
I insist.
I'm honestly wondering if my vagina did something to offend the universe
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
I just put on the jeans I was wearing last night and pulled 4 baby carrots out of my back pocket....
Randomize
