My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.
I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester
Just fucked a MILF from Alaska. I love traveling.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
Something about the fact that I could do coke off her ass cheeks just speaks to me
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
Yeah apparently i called the bartender a "fucking prison warden" after she took my keys and called me a cab
Here's the "to do" list i just found on my phone: buy stripper pole, make sex playlist, buy febreeze
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
Randomize
