It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.
ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
And PS thanks for calling it my "sexual liberation" and not "slut fest 2010: part deux!"
The chick working the drive through at BK on New Years stuck her head out the window and told me there were no line ups for the bathrooms inside so i should go in there. I just kept squatting and peeing and told her it would prob help business.
I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus
Fuck you come back. The old guy next to me is complementing me on my great choice of ring fingers,
day drinking caused me to be in bed at a decent time. can't complain.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
i'm really sorry, but i'm just not sober enough to make good decisions.
You were out of control then you fell asleep on his lap for 30 min and woke up civil. Way to powernap to sobriety!
Somehow I don't think offering me edibles is what dad meant by checking in on me
They're the hard candy kind!
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
Randomize
