i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .
You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
I'd probably lick every tooth in Carly Rae Jepson's fucking mouth.
Teen Choice Awards are on if your wondering.
There is a stockpile of mangos and vodka in my backyard and I'm at least 90% sure you had something to do with it.
I just unmatched him. If your Thirsty Thursday only consists on the gym then I am not the woman for you ✌🏻️
Well shit I mean if you get a bunch of cashed up drunk lesbians together in a casino, it's bound to go south at some point
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
DID YOU OR DID YOU NOT, PEE IN MY FUCKING TRASHCAN?!
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