i just masturbated with purell and my dick burns and smells like a hospital
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.
We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime
okay, certainly we can't screw this up, and even as I type, I know we will
If we could never, ever tell mike i pissed in his closet, that would be really really great
I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.
We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.
I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
Okay I shall begin. Thank you Swedish chef
Hurrfy smmurdshy burrfst!
That is the exact response I was looking for.
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
He just ranted to some customer about fourth of July being ruined and I just shouted USA the whole time in the background. It was kinda epic
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
He ate me out on a washing machine in the 24 hour laundromat. Whoever watches that security camera footage is getting a show!
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