It was weird to see you drinking wine out a glass instead of a red cup today
Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.
her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell
sometimes i think my sole purpose in life is to cockblock my roommate
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.
BTW he text me to text him later after the concert to hang out. Im prepping my bed but I should know I shouldn't count my dicks before they hatch
I wanna send them a card but I don't think hallmark makes a "sorry your fiance and another girl blew me at the same time in a frat house but congrats!" card
4 days in college, 3 frat parties. I haven't been this drunk since the unspeakable Jäger bomb incident in Sweden.
I have not brushed my hair. I'm wearing a yoga hoodie. I look like I slept in a gutter somewhere. Today is going to be a good day.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
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