My wife caught me jerking off, I had to tell her I was thinking bout her
Eating a girl out that was just in the ocean does not make her taste like saltwater taffy
she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???
Just thought you should know in my puerto rico drunkenness yesterday I signed my dogs name on the bar tab. cruise = success
She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?
Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?
Do you have any pix of it limp? I wanna see the metamorphosis, like a cock caterpillar turning into a giant beautiful cock butterfly!
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
It's like that thing with the devil and the angel except one shoulder has orgasms and the other has stuffed crust pizza and depression.
Okay, tomorrow we'll have a day of life-sorting and plasma-selling.
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
Update: my mom just told someone to shut up and suck her dick
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
Randomize
