I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
On my arm I have 12 dashes, and below is written "plus 2 pretty stout whiskey drinks, so, you be the judge"
I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.
I won't be sarcastic... just naked
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
Close your eyes and stop texting and think about puppies. You'll be fine.
I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
I'm still depressed that I forgot my ice cream at your place
WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!
Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
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