Things overheard in WeHo: "Just drink a corona and eat some ass, you won't be hungry anymore"
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.
I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man
What's the proper amount of time to avoid my 76 year old neighbor that caught me with my pants down, peeing in my driveway at 5am?
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
Technically my penis started a fight tonight
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
Yeah when we were together he never sent me dick pics like a normal boyfriend. It was always pizzas. That should've been my sign.
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
It’s awful. They need to open the bars. I’m now trolling grocery stores looking for dick
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