We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.
So are you the girl that gave me herpes? or was that the girl from the night before
I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.
I will also take that commission in the form of weed. Pass that on to the asst. manager.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
My liver was like a college freshman on spring break. It would've danced topless on tables if it could have.
I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.
I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.
I'M SO LONELY THAT I TEXTED THE FRESHMAN
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
I will fuck anyone who brings me mcdonalds right now
Randomize
