I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.
I was trying to be really smart and save 10 dollars for each cab there and back. ...so I ripped a $20 dollar bill in half.
I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
i finally decided to cut him off after he he looked me dead in the eyes and said "how have i been inside you for the past twenty minutes when my pants are still on?"
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
My underwear said "hard to get" on the butt. He laughed when he took them off.
Oh, fuck yeah. I swear I came with every bite. Not even joking. Messiest meal ever.
Wow, thanks for ruining pizza for me. I didn't think it was possible.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Well I woke up and my arm was bleeding. And my blood is on the wall in the hallway.
Umm
No idea. I blame fireball.
Valid.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
I thought I was really making her scream. Turns out she had a Lego jammed in her lower back.
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