Small Doughy Asian men and sleeveless hoodies with nothing underneath do not mix well.
Sounds like the climatic scene of my favorite erotic novel.
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
just thinking about him makes my vagina shudder.
I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"
bring the vodka.
i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?
we are.
You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...
she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
The bloodstain in the garden looks like a sad face. Like I don't already know this is bad...
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Help everyone's hot
Men are hot women are hot non-binary people are hot aliens are hot
This weekend I was almost blinded by a cumshot to the eye, so happy Labor Day I guess
My mom just said we can't get married in nude body suits to look like earthworms. She's ruining my life.
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