the roller ball on my blackberry is the closest i've come to touching a clit in 2 years.
I'm at the laundry mat. This guy is here showing me his ankle monitor. The weird ones always find me.
We were hooking up, both of us naked. She starts putting her clothes back on and says, "I have to go to the bathroom." I reply, "No you don't, you're leaving." Without hesitation she looks at me and says, "Yeah."
new level of vanity: sex dreams about deep throating myself...
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."
Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.
Cause I came home. Im covered in green marker and jack daniels. Theres a taco and the words "we went to Mexico" on my wrist. Im a walking abomination.
I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i threw up in his garden in front of like five people smoking a joint. they let me have a hit after i was done so it was okay
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
What if for Halloween I paint my self gold and make sandwiches for everyone? I'd be a trophy wife! Get it?
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
a girl walked up to me and asked if you were my brother. she shook her head and said 'im so sorry' when i said yes. what did you fucking do????????
Randomize
