I'm home now. bring me food and boobies
you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar
Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....
I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Briing, briiing- tricycle ridden. Where is my crown?
Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.
I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
If a baby can come out of it, so can four raquetballs.
I woke up sandwiched between them, all of us naked, and they were just sharing a cigarette, a donut, and the paper like it was just some normal post-threesome Sunday brunch.
She made me walk a straight line to prove i was sober enough to help carry you to the car
Knowing you it was perfect out of spite. Like. A line straighter than YOU
Randomize
