You stood up and started yelling"Free blow jobs!" because you thought people would like you more.
Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.
That Joe Wilson reference just earned you a blow job, Mister!
Any girl that compares her vag to a hot ham sandwich is beyond a slut
I hit her tiny dog with a horseshoe an hour ago. Her and her mom cried as it laid on the ground shaking. Im drunk.
I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.
Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.
sold 4 oz of weed today pantsless. man i love college.
Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Dear sober self, your keys are on the table in front of you the only way your typing this is with autocorrect goodnight love you
sorry didn’t mean to call you, i was just trying to put the t-rex emoji beside your name
if you didn't cry because you couldn't find me and then pee your bed, your wingman status would totally be revoked for leaving me at that party.
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
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