dude i just saw a topless girl trying to get into her locked car. im moving here
Black Friday shoppers are ridiculous. I think I just watched a marriage end.
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
Um, yeah. You lit my birthday candles with a joint. Mom= not happy.
apparently i was cut off before i even walked in
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.
Someone left me hummas on my door step between the hours of 1am-3am
Vasectomy results are in. No swimmers in the water. REPEAT. No swimmers in the water. Come help me harness my new found super-power
My arms in a cast, how am I supposed to have sex with only one hand?
more importantly I need two hands to eat pie
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
My friend just got engaged and I'm setting vibrators on fire.
Your life rocks...
Fuck you. Fuck this party. I just wanted to be pretty with a cute little tiara and boys sucking my tits, now i have a hangman game drawn on my face and jello shots in my hair.
I wanted to give you a great birthday party. You know I did.
I feel like I haven't slapped your ass in years. This will be awesome.
Pretty sure he was in my class in like 2nd grade
I like how you know everyone I've ever fellated.
Randomize
