I haven't been this sober since birth.
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport
He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
The trashcan full of everclear punch caught on fire...you should probably come home now.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
It's 4/20. I'm not too worried about "healthy"
So ive come to the realization that my affinity for tattooed guys makes me the literal definition of tit for tat
He just showed up in boxer briefs and loafers with only his phone and condoms
Just so u know, "come here buckey" has no effect on ur cat, but "hey fucker you wanna get high or what?" will cause him to run from the other room knocking shit over. We smoked outta the gravity bong, then he went and ate.
If you survived your 72 hour masturbation marathon put on some pants and come over. My mom dropped off a lasagna.
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