I remember spending $50 at Ozzie's on Friday...my Visa remembers $120.
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.
I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious
I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.
Thinking about adopting a 16 yr old here. Her name is Abby and she likes vodka. We've bonded. I need a sober driver n e ways...
New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.
Found out I slept with someone who likes Pitbull. I really should get to know someone better before I sleep with them.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Last nights hook up turn into a star wars history lesson.. He's luck y he's pretty..
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
Eat, nap, & pace yourself. Words to live by.
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
His penis is average but his stamina is amazing!!! I didn’t know I had that many orgasms in my body!!!!
Randomize
