Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't drink when I come out of a black out half naked covered in puke. Then I realize thats why I drink.
My life is like the prequel to "40 Year Old Virgin"
he was sending me dirty texts but i was watchin nickeloden and couldnt get into it
im ashamed your my cousin
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
Beach body diet is off. Pizza hut worked its way back onto my google chrome top 8
thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins
did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?
Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
New Serial podcast is out. We can listen to it tonight instead of having sex.
Dreamt I had my own personal vibrator rep, who made house calls. I earned an upgrade to an electric model, since I was burning through batteries. That's it. Time for a bf.
I had sex in the bed of a guy who owns a house last night so I feel like this is a significant step up from car sex in the parking lot of a library
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