Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich
we just made rock paper scissors into a drinking game
I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?
Quite the contrary. Sophistication.
I woke up on a futon in some strangers house. They were eating pizza and told me everything was going to be fine.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
If eating a cheesesteak naked doesn't make me feel better, then I don't know what will.
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
You know its been a rough night when for a large portion of the evening you have accepted your death
So that groomsmen was naked under his kilt. Also I just had sex in the elevator. And yes, those two updates are definitely related.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
She had an asthma attack and had to stop but insisted on getting me off. It's official she's the one
My girlfriend is so strong now. Like on the one hand its kind of hot because she can pin me down during sex, but on the other hand she picked me up and carried me bridal style at the company bbq.
i just watched a 7 minute video on people making a hot air balloon for their dog and i am a changed person
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
It's like a donut of clothes around a pair of heels. Like they were transported to another dimension naked.
Randomize
